About What Happen Recently

(Warning: this writings probably a bit too long and if you have very precious spare time, I highly recommend you NOT to read it because well, it means barely nothing) 🙅🙇

I live for 15 years with my Mom, and by that, I understand her. I know that she always worried by what will happen with me or my family in the future. She worried if I will get a great job, if I have any food in my counter, if I have enough money (just in case). And because of that long process of understanding, I carved a promise in my heart. I will make her happy no matter what. I will make the world amazed by what I can be, what I can do. But before, (sadly), I never plan. I know that I dreamed of Oxford or Japan (don't laugh at me please), or being a writer and English teacher, but I never planned what should I do to chase those dreams. And that's when the disaster begin.

Then I came to Madura and settled down together with my dad. I have no intention to love this place
in the first place. I always thought (and decided) that I sometime would be back to my home with my
mom. Beside, I'd be here only for 3 years, what will possibly happen so?

So  I  chose  my  university  (which  is  located  near  my  mom's  town)  at  first  because  of  that  previous decision. But lately I realized that it was because I want to be the best. I want to be as far as I can be. I want to gain the best possibly education I can get, and that university is the sole answer.
But  it  has  no  relation  to  what  my  dreams  said.  In  fact,  it's  nothing  to  compare  to  what  my  mom wanted me to be, but instead, it fits my dad's. I guess I've influenced, affected, and attached. With this island, it's unique and not mainstream cultures and geographic, with my new friends, with all of my whole-new-level experiences which I can guarantee you I won't get it nowhere else, with my not-so-good house, with my new personality, and with my dad's dreams and his view of life.

And that's when I started to realize that I was hating him because I have no idea what struggles he
has been through by himself (but he's still the same lazy and stubborn person, yknow). So for that, I
regretted that I don't know these waaaay before. I know really well that we're much more alike. I'm
lazy, extremely objective over things and that's why we're always be trusted by people, love to write,
amazed  by  human  beings  mostly  their  mind  and  behaviour,  thirsty  by  knowledge  and  approval, ambitions and huge dreams and stuff. Just like him.

And now I feel guilty to my mom because of that. I feel like I'm just a piece of useless selfish human
who  won't  even  sacrifice  a  little  just  to  make  her  parents  happy.  I  know  it's  terribly  wrong,  but sometimes I just hate my condition. Why can't I have a normal family? Why can't I love my mom or dad without feeling guilty to one another?